“He was such a good kisser. I would love to see if he still is.”
“Ummmm….not going to happen since he is my husband.”
This is the kind of conversation that should never transpire. Tuesday I wrote about how males and females can be friends as long as there is respect for the significant other. But as soon as the respect is gone, then the friendship can become toxic to a relationship.
Trae had a female friend D. who he had known since high school. They had dated on and off in college, and Trae admitted she had been more into him then he ever was into her. Despite the erratic nature of their relationships, they stayed friends. Honestly, their relationship/ friendship did not seem that much different from my friendship with S. After Trae and I got married, D. and I became close friends. D. had been married for about five years when Trae and I tied the knot, so it was nice to have another couple to go out with and look to for advice as we navigated the newlywed years.
About three years after Trae and I got married, D. and her husband started to have problems. Eventually they ended up getting a divorce. When D. and her husband separated, she started becoming more vocal about her past relationship with Trae. Now I don’t mind a trip down memory lane, but discussing details of a physical manner is not the kind of conversation I find appropriate. Despite telling her those topics made me uncomfortable, she continued with the details getting increasingly uncomfortable.
Trae and I brushed things off, saying she was going through a hard time. Yet, when she mentioned wanting to kiss my husband on more than one occasion, Trae and I made the decision to back away from the friendship. The more we separated ourselves from D. the more I realized how toxic the friendship had become for both of us. While expressing a physical interest in Trae, she was simultaneously trying to get me to think of Trae in a negative light.
By encouraging me to express my frustrations with Trae, D. was fostering a negative image of him. She wanted someone else to be as upset with their spouse as she was with hers. During the last few months of our friendship with D., I found myself increasingly miffed at Trae and was continuously pointing out his flaws. The friendship with D. had become toxic for my relationship with my husband, which is why we slowly stopped communicating with her.
It hurt to end a friendship that had once brought joy to both Trae and me. But the hurt and damage that would have happened to our marriage in the long run outweighed the hurt of losing someone who once was a close friend. Since breaking off the friendship, I have found myself less annoyed with Trae because someone is not constantly encouraging me to see him in an unflattering light.
I think of breaking off the friendship with D. much like me having to break up with peanut butter. Why would I eat something, despite how wonderful and delicious it is, knowing it will give me a migraine? So, why would I hang out with someone knowing it will hurt my marriage?
This leads me to my question to you: does your friendships pass or fail the peanut butter test?